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So I'm in rework #3. Scrapped the whole darn thing and started over. Changed to first person. Changed the characters. I decided starting in the real world would help create a nice framework. And , I have a working title. Ta da! This is very stylized, so I hope it works. __________________________________________________ ___ I left school early the day I returned to Kavalia. Normally I rode the bus, even though I was old enough to drive....

Thanks chris. Thank you for your input Theresa, however i never actually depend on anybody to fix my mistakes, i always endeavour to find and fix whatever mistakes i make myself. As for my manuscripts, i always write the entire novel out in note form first, then type the whole thing up again on computer, reviewing and checking as i go, then i re-read and check all over again. and only when i am absolutely satisfied that i cannot get it...

Quote: Originally Posted by tigerlily14 ...and any chance I could get an example of passive-action? because I probably do that a lot w/ out even knowing Here's a few links - There's a little exercise you can do here (subvert the business purpose of the site with a little fantasy ): Passive and Active Voice Starting a sentence with an -ing phrase | Deanna Hoak The Parts of Speech And there's lots of info if you google. I have...

Quote: Originally Posted by fkatona I'm glad my suggestions were helpful! Trying to find a logic behind the new name for the Force will help you get to that perfect name. The best part is, once you find it, you don't have to reveal how you got there at all! Maybe one or two really saavy people will connect the dots, but everyone else will accept the name for what it is. The process is just for you, not for the reader or even for the...

Hi, Just a quick comment - I really liked this - I think if it was tightened up a little more it would be cracking. Personally, perhaps it would be good to have a little more chat between the old woman and the man; perhaps she asks him why he's on the train on NYE, and he talks a little about his private life, just to bring him to life a little more and to help explain where the 26 minutes to midnight went a little better. And I'm...

Blimey! Oh dear! Sorry mate. Somehow your story's title made me think you were W-Three. Cos it's got 'Eden' in it as well. LOL.

There's nothing technically wrong with this, but for some reason I feel disconnected from it. I can't put my finger on it, though. I have a thought that the paragraphs don't flow well into each other, and that may be it. They seem to exist in their own little bubbles. It might just be me though... There's some good writing here. I loved the line, '...because people in nineteen thirty something smacked each other to...

I... I don't know where to begin. It is a draft, so I won't quibble about the punctuation. Unfortunately, that just adds to the surreality. A wizard war ended by an 'ultimate weapon (TM)' ? A later woman who hitches a ride with a slaver, then 'undoes' the town ? There's too much of a time-line jump to do more than bewilder... Lovely language, lovely settings, but...

Quote: Originally Posted by Vargev For those who were looking for the hook, i've decided to post a little bit more, mainly because i hadn't typed that part up yet from my notes. “Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning.” Michael said suppressing a sigh. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow Captain.” And with that Kinraid watched the remainder of the outer colony news,...

It's just a draft.