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Part 4 of 5. Almost to the finish line! We last left our heroine in the Coliseum, having witnessed her two comrades defeated in a pairs tournament. __________________________________________________ _______ Jaspar opened his eyes and pouted, and Jewels, returning in mind to the Coliseum, agreed with his assessment. Light filled the combat area as the Darkfall dispersed. The two stood and made their way with the silent crowd down the stairs...

Urrr! Wrong answer, but thank you for playing! OK, I've stuck in a few 'Alien' references along the way as red herrings, but I promise you this isn't the same territory (or 'Event Horizon' either). I'm back on nights this Wed. so should have a chance to advance the story by mid week.

@Ursa major -- thanks, just the removal of that one word instantly makes it read better to me .

Quote: Originally Posted by Ursa major gives the same impression, is more immediate and - for cyberpunkdreams's (CPD's) benefit - contains one less word. ( ) Two words Ursa, not just one, but what I wrote** was from off top of my head based on what I read in first para. Like a bad first draft, you almost always put out these sort thing. ** I feel Ursa that you like to pick my writing. I don't mind, because it not only teaches...

"They race right to be bone out there" 'the' ?? --- FWIW, I found it sucked me in. The poetic stuff, the ragged tenses didn't bother me, they were pieces in the puzzle, camera angles in the instant movie... Um, would take a better grammarian than me to be sure, to be sure, but I'd say you're using 'You' in the sense of the old-fashioned 'Thee' & 'Thou', or...

Quote: Originally Posted by The Judge I did wonder if she was telling a friend what had happened with the 'by the way' -- in which case you could usefully make more of that perhaps, and address the friend in the story, ie say 'you were right' or something of that kind. Yeah, that's why the story's called 'This is What Happened...' Maybe I should make that a bit clearer! Quote: By the non sequitur bit, I...

Quote: Originally Posted by ctg Two words Ursa, not just one, but what I wrote** was from off top of my head based on what I read in first para. Like a bad first draft, you almost always put out these sort thing. One word: the original sentence had ten words, my alternative has nine. (See: I told you I become very picky. ) And yes: if only we could generate perfect prose at the first attempt. *sigh* Quote: Originally Posted by ctg ** I feel...

Quote: Originally Posted by Ursa major In trying to make my own writing into close 3rd person, I have liberally sprinkled it with he heards, she saws, it felts and so on. I have to be tough with myself over this and it leaks out into some of my Aspiring Writer posts. The only person it's really directed at is, sadly (because very necessary), me. Well, may I just say how grateful I am that it has leaked out Ursa, because I was doing...

Hang on, it is on earth...now I'm confused. I thought it was a spaceship, it is a spaceship...it's an earth based control, looking out to space...perhaps you'd better just ignore me. I still like the setup, though. Apologies for idiocy.

Thanks, got 3 of them on the back of my head 666